Lawson or Dawson?

Yesterday I spotted the Mail on Sunday with another predatory hackjob on a couple of rich people at dinner. Saatchi had taken aim at a new woman called Trinny, according to selected photos, which painfully brought back the whole Nigella throat saga. But no one's asking the real question in everyone's throats – Nigella Lawson or Les Dawson?

Lawson 0 – 0 Dawson

For afternoon tea in a classy restaurant.

This is prime hack-snooping time, so for maximum publicity the choice is a simple Lawson.

Lawson 1 – 0 Dawson

Best at cooking dinner.

You'd want someone whose cooking skills are represented by their vitality, who exudes the energy of their cuisine, and revels is a certain sumptuousness as they taste a spoonful of bubbling cabbage. It's got to be Les Dawson.

Lawson 1 – 1 Dawson

Who to sleep with?

As a heterosexual male with a thing for classy ladies, I'd choose Les.

Lawson 1 – 2 Dawson

The one to be stranded at sea with.

For long stretches of hopeless loneliness, you'd want someone who can provide some comical relief and eventually plenty of meat. Nigella wins hands down.

Lawson 2 – 2 Dawson

Most willing to take an egg.

As we all know, Les Dawson is also John Prescott and he's already taken an egg, so now it must be Nigella's turn.

Lawson 3 – 2 Dawson

Best one to score drugs.

Nigella's not one to shy way from sniffle or two, but for flat out partying, based on Les's gurning, Dawson's the man with the baggie of choice.

Lawson 3 – 3 Dawson

After 6 questions we're in a tie, which means a fight to the death is needed to decide. Of course I'd hedge my bets on Nigella. With her powerful wrists, trained up though years of stirring, and valuable weapons like the Stainless Steel Rotary Whisk, she'd be a formidable opponent. But Les has got an advantage in that, being already dead, he can't be killed. So Les wins!

Lawson 3 – 4 Dawson

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With love and respect to both 'Awsons. X