Wednesday 21 November 2012

What a week.




what a week, hey? i took to charging around the country side delivering chinese takeaways to people. i've been slowly working out the most efficient way to go about this and i think i have sussed it. it goes like this. drive to takeaway, unclip sat nav and put in pocket. leave car unlocked for expediency. enter takeaway. if meals are not ready then consider the address on the reciept. if address not known, type into sat nav, and then turn sat nav off. pick up bag and leave, enter car, sat nav and bag of meals on passenger seat; reverse, aim the appropriate way down the street, accelerate, switch on headlights, buckle seatbealt, clip in sat nav, turn on sat nav. turn on radio. when i get to the house there are more options of which to choose, including. do i leave engine running while i hunt for the house in the dark and in the rain? do i check the amount owed before i go to the front door or use my phone to check it in the dark? do i leave the car unlocked? do i fumble around for change for longer than nessecary in the hope of a higher tip? yes it's full of intricacies. i speed like a madman, something i am compelled to do by working on commission. it's just like grand theft auto. i ran down a hooker at about 8pm on tuesday night, but i outran the cops pretty quick so it was OK. meanwhile, israel! what would god say? thats what i want to know? ok so they may have different prophets, but yahweh and allah are they same bloke at the end of the day. let's not get into this too much, taking sides and whatnot, and just say the one thing that can be known for sure – this is going to go on and on. when children die and people don't stop doing the things that make children die then something is seriously fucked up. the novel i'm writing is slowing down dramatically around the 20000 words mark, whereupon i have done some serious rejigging and had to stop and consider at length where to go now. maybe i will have a crusading female priest who becomes a maverick bishop in all but name, doing ad hoc ceremonies in underground car parks until catholic henchmen hunt her down. if i were richard dawkins i would say, nay spit, the words 'of course they didn't accept female bishops. their archaic rules are dictated by the word of a made up entity of which there is no factual scientific basis. but the more alienated from society they become, they easier it will be for the atheist armies to crush them when the Atheatic day of judgement comes, circa 2030.' And then i'd chew on the corpse of a newly baptised child.

Saturday 10 November 2012

What a Week



what. a. week. lord, the week has been some week, that much is true. i spent the first part of the week stapled to a pin-board in a corridor of an consultancy office, and i can tell you this. people do not take any notice of notices. hundreds of times people passed me, they didn't notice that i was stapled to the wall. they didn't notice the words on me, the words 'help I'm stuck on the wall, please get me down.' finally, on Tuesday night, i was released, just in time to stay up watching the Americans elect their president. i fell asleep minutes before the result was announced, and thus picked up elements of the speech as soundbites the following day. that obama though, he is slick like a Tony the tiger. that is a man who knows how to talk. romney, he's like a condescending uncle, who smiles and nods as he tells you that he had to kill your dog because your dog had got too big. so i started nanowrimo about 6 days late and have been trying to catch up ever since. some days im like wayooooo let's write and all the pain of the world rushes through me like an empathy conduit and i type a veritable projectile vomit of words onto the computer. other days, like Wednesday, i sit there like a koala, wasting away, clutching something for comfort, possibly watching breaking bad. i went to Devon on a train and saw a double rainbow on the way, as i rode the train. a unicorn was running up the side of the rainbow, which i found particularly weird because the far end of the rainbow's arc was very steep, too steep for a unicorn to get up, i would have thought.

Friday 2 November 2012

what a week




floods floods, electricity, waves, wind, wind, wind. oh, the USA, battered again by the powers of evil. who would have thought that the storm blighted the Caribbean too? we tend not to focus on that. Cuba and Haiti? no one will notice the difference, they say. and just as one storm passes across the ocean, in a galaxy far far away, Disney buys star wars. who can blame them? the legions of children are just waiting/starving to make toys for the next three films, and can we expect them to be more stupid than the prequels? i say yes! binks the second, i reckon, jar jar binks' grandson, commanding an army which is trying to counter the counter-revolution. (is it not true that the righteous in the sequels will be a new rebellion against the power of the jedi?) but with Disney at the helm, no depth is too low. it's like the ocean – humans barely known what's down there, what evils lurk, and so it is with the rubbish that Disney will be capable of reaching, below the dive depth of any submarine. of course, i will watch it. i like star wars. at the beginning of the week i phoned up the bank to talk to them about my loan. when they put me on hold, the most forlorn music played. it was as if it said, 'sometimes, all you can do is accept the inevitable, and get another loan. don't worry, leave it to us, we will steadily ensure that you will be in poverty forevermore.' barclays, though – who knows – perhaps they will all be in prison before long and all slates will be wiped clean, or the end of fight club will come to pass. but considering the way they've managed to survive so far despite their criminal activities, my hopes are possibly mere fantasy. just got to button up my shirt and pay them payments every month, as the great philosopher kant once said, it is imperative that i maintain a decent credit rating. life is hard but so am i as E once said, another profound thinker. and so i walked towards but not all the way to the beach and i listened to polica. polica makes walking very cool, very cool indeed. breathing changes, loosens up. in all the songs the vocals are the same and yet this never becomes tiring. best recent discovery, polica. i came across a dead pigeon which i nursed back to life by sprinkling upon its head the pollen from a young dandelion and performing the ancient ritual of pigiennia. off he flew in spark of new and profound life, only to be hit by a passing truck.