Government cuts are causing people to eat their own walls, a new study had shown. The politically central think tank, the Institute for Political Structural Integrity (IPSI) has found that increasing numbers of lower to middle class families are finding food too expensive, as wages stop rising, and are using the walls in their homes for extra food. But the consequences can be dire.
Says Anne Brickton, spokesperson at the IPSI, 'the problem gets worse the lower down the wage spectrum you go. Those on minimum wage, for example, are eating particularly malnutritious walls, and those living in flats built in the Thatcher era are eating downright poisonous ones.'
Another consequence which seems to be too oft ignored is the importance a wall has in keeping up a roof. Anne says 'many walls have a variety of purposes – partitioning rooms and keeping ceilings up. Exterior walls also keep in heat, meaning that with every extra wall eaten, the fuel bills rise, and many of these people are already in fuel poverty. Without walls many roofs will fall down, causing the whole structure to collapse.' Food has never been part of the intended purpose of walls, says wall expert Peter Clockers, and in fact cause more harm than good. Anne declined to comment in any detail on whether the walls of the rich keep up ceilings up. 'We would not want to speculate on that at the moment,' she said, 'as far as we know the rich have not taken to wall-eating so hopefully the problem will not arise.'
The walls of the rich are especially thick and a diet of thick wall is certainly a risk. However, GP Mark Darkwood says it is possible that the genetic constitution of wealthier people allows them to digest such walls, but this is yet to be verified. 'At the moment we are treating less well-off people,' he says, 'who's walls are lacking in any nutritional value whatsoever.'
It is unlikely that more affluent families will turn to wall-eating because of the preferential treatment given to the wealthier under the coalitions policies. 'The tax revenues from the wealthiest in our country is invaluable to the UK's income,' said David Cameron. 'These are the wealth generators of our country and we should be supporting them as they support us towards recovery. Damaging the foundational integrity of wealthy families' homes will simply drive them overseas.' Labour have yet to develop a serious policy that goes beyond criticism of the Government, who reply to Labour's accusations of incompetence by saying that for every eight walls currently eaten by the poor, it would be only be reduced to seven under Labour. The Government stand by their commitment to lower the deficit even of it means a few months or even years of wall-eating. Cameron says, 'it's tough for everyone now but with hard work and a stuff upper lip we will once again thrive as the prosperous, magnificent and imposing nation that we once were, and on that day the poor (at least, the one who have survived) can re-upgrade to the ready meals and canned goods that they so enjoy.'
So, 'hang in there' is the message right now but for an increasing number of families around the country, it is fast becoming a question of all for one and one for wall.
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